Trees

This is a lovely post from Lionel Windsor over at the Sola Panel...

This Week

Well we've reverted to the 3 hrs max sleep at a time overnight the last few nights - we're all zonked again! We're booked in Monday week to the local health clinic day stay service, to see if they can help at all.

It's a frustrating situation because one the one hand I know what we need to do, but on the other, I'm too tired! Hamish has started crying in a way that is more of a protest than straight distress, and once he's on a roll it's very hard to calm him down.

Apparently things do sometimes get worse before they get better so fingers crossed we'll all be getting more sleep soon.

He started at family day care yesterday - it went well and he seemed to cope fine. We went there the day before to familiarise him with it all, and he did his first finger painting! Tried to eat the paint too, naturally.

Here's a few photos I took this week:

Oscar ready for his next outing. He slept in the stroller a few nights this week - it is now a lot hairier than it was before.


Modelling PJs very kindly given to us by a friend, along with many other clothes her boy has grown out of.

There's that tongue again!





Oscar enjoying the sunshine.

Top Day

I had a great day today. It started with only having to get up twice overnight, and getting almost 6 hrs sleep in a row (compared to a maximum of 2 hrs 15 mins last week).

We went to Terrigal for breakfast, something we haven't attempted in months, and it was lovely - we ate at a cafe right near the beach - good coffee, good food, great view. Then we dropping in on Terrigal markets to visit our sister-in-law Nicole, who has a stall there selling very cute baby stuff. We also picked up some pastries that were delicious. I gave Hamish a piggyback ride to the car and he had a great time dribbling on my head.

Then back home to lunch, did a bit of gardening, read the Herald, and relaxed.

And to top it all off, Hamish went to sleep incredibly easily tonight - took about 10 minutes compared to 45 mins last night - dramatic improvement!

I still have a major sleep debt to pay off, but hopefully now I'll have a fighting chance of actually making it happen.

Girltalk series

The Girltalk blog are doing a series on The Gospel for Busy Moms. I'll be reading with interest....

Progress

So, I have been very tired this week. The phrase that came to mind yesterday was 'bitterly tired'. lol I wasn't in a very good mood at the time!

But, after talking with the local community health nurse and a tresillian nurse, and having had an afternoon nap, I tried a new settling technique last night for Hamish and it worked - he slept much better. I only had to get up twice (as opposed to the 3 or 4 times we've been used to lately). And he was a lot more settled throughout the evening instead of constantly waking and crying out, so I was more relaxed and positive after a few hours of quiet.

It's amazing the difference it makes getting 4 hrs solid sleep compared to 3 hrs. Of course, because I was used to being up so often, I spent half the night awake wondering when I'd next have to get up!

The only thing I did differently to bring on this change of behaviour was to start teaching Hamish to go back to sleep without being picked up first. It was actually relatively easy - although it did take an hour at first for him to cooperate - I would leave him for a few minutes and he'd scream the house down, but when I went back in (after say 3 minutes) he'd end up smiling after not too long so I knew he wasn't really too distressed. I left him alone for good when he was lying there blowing the world's biggest raspberries at me.

I still fed him twice overnight, because he's used to it, but it was longer in between feeds than normal so I felt it was a step in the right direction.

Let's see if he can do it again tonight.....

Child's Play

The Girltalk blog posted about an article by Heather Koerner this week. It struck a chord with me, particularly this:

I'm not sure when it hit me.

Maybe it was the morning I sat watching my 3-month-old daughter sleep next to me on the living room floor as I folded what seemed like the third laundry load of burp cloths that day. There was a lot about the moment that I had expected — love in my eyes, wonder in my heart. But there was also a lot I hadn't expected — a house that had once been orderly and clean that was now stacked high with piles of laundry, dirty dishes, baby paraphernalia and one exhausted, not very attractive looking mommy.

I remember thinking, This is so hard. I'm not sure I can do this.

And I remember being overwhelmingly frustrated. For crying out loud (which, I think I was at that moment), I have a graduate degree. I've taught trigonometry. I've met deadlines, edited copy and run conferences. Why in the world can't I handle one tiny baby and a 1,200 square foot house?

It's a really easy trap to fall into, and I've certainly done it - assumed managing a baby and house is child's play compared to having a career and a 'real job'. But this couldn't be further from the truth!

Going Through It

One of the books I've been reading to Hamish is called "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" (by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury). This is how it starts:

We're going on a bear hunt.
We're going to catch a big one.
What a beautiful day!
We're not scared.

Uh-uh! Grass!
Long wavy grass.
We can't go over it.
We can't go under it.
Oh no! We've got to go through it!

And off they go through the grass (and various other obstacles) till they reach the bear - who they run away from!

Dealing with prolonged sleep deprivation caused by a restless baby is a bit like this - the only way, in the end, is to go through it. There's only so much you can do to influence someone else's sleep patterns. And trust me, I've tried everything!

I've had this section of the bible floating round my head this week:

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:1 - 5)

I'm pretty sure Paul didn't have rough nights with a baby in mind when he wrote this, but I do think I am developing perseverance as I go through this challenging time. The next step is character - I assume he means Godly character - so that's what I'm trying to focus on. It's a great comfort to know that God is at work in me, even when I can't finish a thought or remember what day of the week it is!

God in the tiredness

I've been really tired this week. Not just a little sleepy - more in the needing matchsticks to keep my eyes open and forgetting my name category. And along with the tiredness came stress, depression and anger - a natural reaction to being woken every two hours overnight all week. But not a fun way to get through the day.

I had one particular gloomy day, when God came to the rescue - not with sleep, but with a good conversation with an old friend, an encouraging phone call from a lady at church, who reminded me to lean on God's word, and Adam's parents - who turned up with a 5kg box of chocolates! I ended the day in a much better mood than I started...and looking back I do think it was God that made the difference.

Helping me put out the washing...

...or, as Hamish likes to call it, 'eating dirt'!

Postscript: Finding The Joy

I'd just like to add that since changing my approach to parenting it's been a lot easier to find the joy admidst all the hard work.

For example, Hamish woke up a few minutes ago and I had to resettle him. A few months ago I probably would have found this frustrating as he was meant to be sleeping, but tonight I noticed how cute he was - he's a bit obsessed with sitting up at the moment so sometimes when he stirs he sits up - and then gets all confused because he's not all that awake! It's very sweet.

These night wakings won't last forever, so I might as well enjoy it as much as I can - and it's lovely to give him a cuddle and resettle him (when he cooperates, at least!)

I've really enjoyed reading the series on the SortaCrunchy blog about finding the middle ground between the opposing parenting views -here's a quote:

"And then there is the other element of the sleep-training philosophy which grieves me...
The very attitude which you are encouraged to take toward your baby.

Drawing the battle lines, steeling up your offensive, and gearing up for a nightly struggle for authority. Don't give an inch or you'll never get it back. Stay strong, Mama.
It seems as though you are to view your baby as your adversary.
...
I simply cannot believe that God would desire any mother to parent out of the place of fear, or to view her baby as an adversary.

You see, I have trouble reconciling the idea of drawing the battle lines between my infant and myself with what I see as I ponder the ways in which God parents me - His child, His unique creation. I come to him with constant needs and requests, a frequent lack of ability to understand, a long and growing list of failings and areas of immaturity. And what does He do? He lavishes love and grace upon me. He pours His presence into my life in every moment that I open myself up to receive it. He is a constant source of comfort and my unshakable certainty. "

So what to do?

As you can see, I've found certain aspects of parenting really frustrating and confusing. So what to do - how do I navigate these (for me) uncharted waters and not go completely mental?

The turning point for me was when I realised that:

a) despite my hand-wringing about not being able to achieve the results the books said I should, Hamish was (and is) doing absolutely fine. He's happy, healthy, and getting enough sleep (even if I'm not!).

b) my goals were skewiff. I was busting my gut trying to meet someone else's definition of success for my family. How silly of me! But how easy to do when it's all new to you, and how awfully stressful to not be meeting these goals, and to think that your exhaustion, and your baby's cries, are your fault.

I changed my goals - instead of getting Hamish to meet certain external criteria for a successful day, my goal now is to stay calm. That's it - to do what I need to do to keep things calm for me, Adam and Hamish. It means going with the flow a lot more, and being willing to chuck it all in and ignore the rules if we're having a bad day. I've cut back my out of home commitments, say 'no' to things more, and don't feel guilty for doing what works for me. I set my own standards more, and things are going better. We still have rough days sometimes, and I don't expect that to change, but I don't beat myself up for it anymore.

I feel like God is teaching me a lot through this, but that's for another post, when I've thought about it more!

One Size Fits All?

One of the most frustrating things I've found so far with parenting is how inconsistent expert advice can be. Despite the fact that all babies are different and there's no 'one-size-fits-all' solution, there's no shortage of people willing to tell you what you can do to achieve 'results'.

There's a lot of disagreement about what results you should be aiming for, let alone how to achieve them. For example, when Hamish was a newborn, we were given wildly differing advice from the hospital staff about breastfeeding. It was really confusing because you'd think there'd be universally accepted facts about things like how much a newborn needs to feed, but no - one midwife told us 30 minutes of good sucking was a full feed for a day-old baby, while the paediatrician told us 1 minute per hour was sufficient for the first day or so! Hmm, so am I aiming for one minute or thirty? We ended up going home earlier than planned because we were getting so confused - with every shift change we were being given different instructions!

One particular area where the expert advice is confusing and contradictory is that of baby sleep, which is something new parents are understandably keen to hear about! Despite the fact that no-one really knows how much sleep babies need, and that no two babies are the same,there's plenty of books out there promising to have your baby sleeping through the night in no time. They establish what I've come to see as unrealistic expectations. Some babies (including mine) don't start sleeping through the night for some time, regardless of what techniques their sleep-deprived parents try. We're yet to get there - and I went through a fair bit of grief thinking I was failing as a parent before realising that perhaps the experts were wrong, not me!

This negative view is reinforced by people who ask "is he a good baby?" (I mean, what's a bad baby??) and "is he sleeping throug the night?". It can get depressing to keep having to answer in the negative - so I've changed my approach and now say that he sleeps really well and only wakes a few times, instead of groaning and saying how he just won't sleep for longer than a few hours at a time!

It's very hard to judge how you are going when even the experts can't agree. It was only when I figured out that there was no definitive answer on most topics, and no one-size-fits-all, that I was able to relax, and rely on my own judgement instead.

The minefield of parenting approaches

One of the BIG divides in looking after babies, and particularly in regards to getting them to sleep, is the controlled crying vs attachment parenting debate. These are two diametrically opposed approaches to parenting. This is a really simplified discription:

Controlled Crying - your baby should be in a routine that you control, not them. You decide, by the clock, when to feed them and when they should go to sleep. They can be trained to go to sleep and stay asleep all night by letting them 'cry it out' - i.e. leave them to cry, checking on them and calming them at regular intervals, until they give up and go to sleep. The often heard promise of this approach is "It only takes 3 nights of pain and they'll be sleeping all night".

Attachment Parenting - your baby needs you. Full stop. They should be fed on demand and sleep when they show 'tired signs'. They should never, ever be left to cry.

Controlled crying advocates think attachment parenting people are wusses who could solve all their sleep problems with a few short nights hard work. People who do it admit to feeling like the worst parents in the world, but it apparently works! Attachment parenting people think those who control cry are practicing child abuse.

My problem with controlled crying is that it goes badly against my instincts to let my baby cry it out. I personally would prefer to get less sleep than fight my instincts on this one. I think Hamish is too little to learn a routine, and his crying is needs based, not manipulative at this stage. Also, he doesn't know he's meant to be following a schedule, and therefore totally ignores my attempts to squeeze him into one.

On the other hand, my problem with attachment parenting is that it is exhausting, and doesn't allow for the needs of the parents. My other main problem with it is that, quite simply, I can't identify Hamish's cries. I don't always know if he's hungry, or tired, or in pain, or whatever. To be honest, a lot of the time it just sounds like plain old crying.

So - if I try to follow controlled crying, I feel like a loser because I can't get my baby into the routines. If I try to follow attachment parenting, I feel like a loser because I can't indentify my baby's signals and therefore meet his needs.

As you may be guessing, it's very easy to feel like a loser here.

So what to do? I've found following a basic schedule works for me - I aim to feed him every 3 - 4 hrs, and put him to bed when he's rubbing his eyes and yawning.

That probably sounds like it's really straightforward and obvious, but trust me when I say it's taken a good 6 or 7 months to feel comfortable with doing it this way.

And it's very easy to say "just do what works for you" but when you're new to parenting and nothing actually seems to be working that's a bit of a challenge. It's natural to seek out 'experts' but unfortunately that can be like entering a minefield, blindfolded and barefoot - you don't know what you're getting into!

The Parenting Paradox

This is the paradox of parenting:

1: I am the expert on my child.

2: I have no idea what I'm doing.


Another one could be:

1: No-one knows the answer.

2: Everyone thinks they do.

You know how when you're watching someone do something like put together a piece of Ikea furniture or play a video game, you always think you could do it better than they are? You say something like "here, give it to me and I'll manage it" or "just put this bit in there". The other person may let you take over, and you find it's not as easy as it looked. The square peg won't fit into the round hole, and what you thought was fairly straightforward is in fact almost impossible.

That's how parenting can be.

I've taken an interest in various parenting philosophies and approaches, and have read things that seem very sensible - logical, practical and wise. Then I've tried to implement them - and it's a disaster. I end up feeling like a complete loser because I can't make it work! The problem must be me! (Or at least that's what I have to stop myself thinking.)

Our society does not equip us to parent. We live isolated from extended family, with little day to day interaction with parents if we are not one ourselves. We are taught at school that we can achieve anything we want (as long as it's not to stay at home and raise a family!) We are led to believe that we can control things - our relationships, our fertility, our lives. We do not have a culture that says it's ok to admit you're struggling and don't have it all together. It's a little like the carpark miracle - at home we flail about trying to get through the day, but in public you'd have to cut our heads off before we admitted it.

It has therefore been a rude shock to me how hard it can be to look after an (admittedly adorable) little person. As I discovered fairly early on, it ain't no Huggies ad.

Parenting

As you would expect, a lot of my headspace the last 6 months has been occupied with parenting stuff. I haven't blogged about it much, but I've been thinking of putting some thoughts down. However I am a bit wary to do so because:

1. I am in no way an expert and have limited experience.
2. There are so many opposing points of view on how to parent best, and I'm a little reluctant to enter the fray.
3. I don't want to come across as whingy or complaining.
4. It's very very easy to hear someone's point of view and think you have the solution, and I get very frustrated when people say "why don't you just do this?" as it shows at best a lack of understanding and at worst a lack of respect, and makes me feel like poo.
5. I have quite strong emotions and feel fairly sensitive about some stuff so I'm not too keen on getting into a debate.

And yet...I do want to blog about it because it's a major part of my life and I enjoy discussing it. So, I will have a bash at it and all I ask is that you respect the fact that it's a sensitive area for me where my confidence is not always 100%.

And I should just say that it's not about Hamish. At all. It's about me and my experience so far with this thing we call parenting!

Minnie finds a warm spot to rest

Note to self: shut laptop when not in use!

This is what she typed:

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Ecosystem

I've got a whole little ecosystem happening in my laundry.

First, there's the rabbit. We've had him for a couple of years and he freeranges in the laundry. He eats pellets and seeds.

Lately, to my utter disgust, pantry moths have moved into the laundry, feeding on the pellet mix. I can't stand them, mainly because they breed prolifically and are quite hard to get rid of. And they get into all the food and ruin it. I've resorted to squashing every one I see - generally I don't kill bugs around the house, and I find myself wincing and saying "sorry" every time I get one, but it has to be done. It feels like groundhog day - I squash probably 10 - 20 a day, and there's just as many (if not more!) back the next time I go in there!

We've also got a moth trap in there which is a bit macabre - the moths get stuck to it and die a slow death. If you look at it, they appear dead, but if you pick it up they all start moving and you realise they are actually alive and can't escape! I feel sorry for them - so I squash them. Hmmm.

And lastly, frogs have moved in!! No idea how they actually make it into the room, but we suspect they come up the drainpipe. We found two in there over the weekend - probably trying to get out of the heat, and perhaps they eat the moths (I hope so anyway!). We put them outside when we found them, but now they know there's this moth feast waiting for them, they may be back!

Stinkin' hot

I really hate the hot weather. REEEAAALLLLLY hate it. I get very grumpy about it.

I was praying the other week that it would cool down, but I realised that we're not too badly off - we have fans, water on tap, and a pool! So I ended up thanking God for all these things He's given us.

Not that that stopped me complaining over the weekend with temps in the mid 30's, but it was made more bearable with the resources we have.

Here's Hamish and I keeping cool...

Reptile Park

We went to the reptile park today, it was great! Here's a few photos. Hamish enjoyed himself and was particularly taken with the koalas.

Funeral

We returned yesterday from travelling to Inverell to attend the funeral of Adam's pop. He died on Australia Day.

It was a sad trip and very moving to attend the graveside funeral. Death is confronting and awful - we have no answer for it.

Adam's mum and brother gave eulogies about Pop's character - how hard he worked, the things he taught them, and the example he was. The RSL gave a short speech too, and they put poppies on the coffin. They played the Last Post.

The preacher spoke of the comfort we have in Jesus - that we are not alone at the moment of death if we trust in Him. They played a tape of Amazing Grace and asked us to reflect on our memories of Pop while it played. It was a bit strange for me because I've been singing the same song to Hamish lately to help him go to sleep. He slept through most of the service - I did give him a toy mirror at one stage to distract him and he started talking to himself very loudly so I had to take it off him! He was very well behaved thankfully.

I guess I didn't know Pop very well, but I do have a great deal of affection for him. He was a lovely old man who we will miss. I'm glad we were able to go to say farewell.