Footwear barometer

Introducing the McCann Footwear Scale - a barometer of how a parent is coping, measured by the child's footwear. The parental state of mind deteriorates the further down the list you go:


Clean, matching socks and shoes that fit (gold star parenting).

Matching socks and shoes that fit (quite pleased with oneself).

Mismatched socks and shoes that fit (no-one will notice!).


Mismatched socks and shoes that fit, but that look really weird or completely inappropriate (like the strange ones brought back from Vietnam with unidentified superhero logo on them).

Mismatched socks and shoes that are too large/small (clown feet, anyone?).

Matching socks, no shoes (ok for car trips where child will not leave vehicle or stroller. Or daycare. Or quick walk down the road. Or when you just can't be bothered.).


Mismatched socks, no shoes (See above. Walk quickly and hope you don't see anyone you know).


Unwashed, mismatched socks. (Shoes have disappeared. Tell people the kid dressed themselves).

One sock. (Best to give up now).

Bare feet.

Staying home!

Some improvements

Michael and I have been gluten free since Tuesday (so 4 days) and we are seeing some improvements - enough for me to think he does have an intolerance to the stuff. His sleep has been much more settled the last two nights, not nearly as restless, and his nappies - well, let's just say there's more activity in that department than there was previously!

I feel cautiously relieved, and also a bit overwhelmed - I wish so much I'd cottoned on sooner. No wonder the poor kid has had trouble sleeping! He's probably had a belly ache his whole life.

Thoughts on Going From 1 Kid to 2

1. All babies are hard work. Just because you've done it before, doesn't make it less hard work. 
2. It is easier though because you're not on such a steep learning curve re baby stuff. 
3. You are on a different learning curve - how to do family life, and baby care, with another child to look after as well as the older one.
4. Life is busier. You learn how to manage without regular child nap times during the day - being on duty for about 12 hrs a day straight.
5. You have to be more organised and a bit ruthless in what you aim to get done, and what you leave undone.
6. It is easier to work out what to do with Michael aged 1 than it was with Hamish - I know what sorts of toys will entertain him amd I don't have to fill in the hours so much because Hamish provides a lot of fun and activity!
7. The house is already baby proof.
8. Toddlers are still babies in many respects. They still need a lot of attention and help with daily care. I probably underestimated this before having Michael.
9. Although having the first child does dramatically change life, having the second has made it feel more like the family is in full swing. Adam gets involved more in child care and we're adapting our days around the needs of the kids, and are able to do more fun stuff as Hamish gets older too.
10. That's all I can think of for now!

Redefining Success

It's a strange thing in our culture that success as a parent is often defined, for babies anyway, as getting your kid to sleep through the night - 12 hrs without a peep from your bub is the goal. In their own bed too.

The pressure is real - one of the questions I get asked regularly is "how is he sleeping?" and "are you getting much rest?". Most of these are asked with good intentions, but it can be hard to always be answering in the negative. You only have to look at the baby section of any bookstore to see the proliferation of experts guaranteeing their methods for training babies to sleep.

Oscar and Mike enjoying a nap

Lack of sleep is hard at the best of times, and I certainly don't blame anyone for chasing a decent night's rest. However I wonder if one of the implications of our cultural setup - where a mum is left alone with the kids for long periods of time during the day - means that sleep becomes more important than it would otherwise be. After all, looking after littlies all day on your own is exhausting - who wouldn't be craving uninterrupted sleep to cope with it all? Perhaps sleep has become a bit of a holy grail of motherhood as we are left literally holding the baby during the day!


We have such a drive to present as 'coping' as well - and this gets hard to maintain without solid rest. Therefore it can be easy to push for more sleep - trying to teach your baby that they don't need you there to fall asleep, they don't need cuddles in the middle of the night, and that they need to develop a little bit of independence - right when they are at their most dependent!


It's crazy. And easily leads to frustration, resentment and stress.

It really goes against the grain of what's natural for lots of babies. Mine certainly need me overnight! Michael sleeps on his own for the first half of the night, then in with me for the remainder. He usually feeds 2 or 3 times. And that's ok. Yes, I'm zonked. But he's only a little bub - it won't be like this forever and for now I'm content with letting him know I'm there for him when the sun goes down. I'll often feed him to sleep, which is breaking all sorts of rules if I want him to sleep more independently. But you know what? It works! It gets him to sleep. And I don't have a problem with that for now.

I think we need to redefine success as a mother - am I responding to my baby's needs? Am I taking steps to make sure we get as much rest as we can, without it being a painful process? Am I teaching my baby that I will be there for them whenever they need me?

I think it's ok to help your baby learn how to fall asleep. It doesn't come naturally to them all and there are great benefits from getting extra zzzz's. Let's not force it though - far better to get less sleep, but teach our babies gently. And to count success in other ways!

(Incidentally, another big measure of 'success' in our culture is breastfeeding (rather than formula). Full night's rest and breastfeeding don't often actually go together - breastfed babies routinely need night feeds anywhere up to a year, if not longer for some. So can formula fed babies for that matter. So it's a bit silly, and hard for mothers, to put the pressure on to get babies to sleep through the night, when other cultural standards don't match up.)

Baby thoughts

I've got a few months to go till the baby is born. I've been thinking through what I've learnt about parenting and babies in the last 18 months - this is what I've come up with:

• You have to do what works for you, and be prepared for this to change regularly. I think I've learnt a lot about where my limits are, and when to change tack. This is mainly in relation to stress. If something isn't working, then I'm a lot quicker to change it than I was 18 months ago.
• Lack of sleep affects everything and it's really important to prioritise rest, even if it feels boring. My mind really doesn't work very well when I'm sleep deprived - I can't finish thoughts or make decisions easily, and I get quite negative over time.
• People who tell you to forget about the housework are good intentioned, but they're not the ones sitting there all day staring at it. Do what you need to do to feel sane - by the same token, it's fine to drop your standards as much as you think appropriate!
• Babies are dependent. This means sacrificing many things in the short to medium term as your baby grows, but it won't be forever. Independence will come with time.
• As a child grows, we move from totally protecting them from the world, to training them to cope in the world.
• God knows the heart of a mother and there is plenty of comfort and encouragement in the bible for the tough times.
  
• Parenting is humbling, and totally rewarding at the same time.

Happy new year

Hope you had an enjoyable time over the festive season!

I had an unplanned break from blogging in December, mainly due to tiredness. It was a bit of a difficult month all up - just usual pregnancy weariness combined with a (wonderful) husband working long hours, and a toddler who is always on the go! And I developed low blood pressure which means I have to spend more time than I'd like lying down and resting.

I do find in times when it all is a bit too much the struggle I have is to rely on God's strength, not my own. I have to watch my thoughts or I get down in the dumps, thinking I must be doing a bad job because I can't manage everything as well as I would like. I have this picture in my head of someone living my life, but doing it perfectly, and I just don't measure up!

It is one of the challenges of childrearing to find things to do when you're not really well, the weather sucks, you don't have much money, and you and your kid/s are bored bored bored! Finding that balance between getting near enough rest, while not developing cabin fever, is the tricky bit.

It's something I'm working on, and praying about. I want to find the joy in everyday life, because it is there for the taking. Just have to wade past the crud in the way.

TV break and toys

Also on the topic of TV, we've had a couple of TV free days this week. I've been relying on the tele a lot lately to keep Hamish occupied, because I've been quite tired and he was sick for a few weeks too, but I figured it was time for a rest from it.

It made for a more peaceful house, although it did mean a bit more work for me in finding things to keep him occupied. My aim is to keep TV to use as a backup when really needed, rather than part of the daily routine.

I've packed away the bulk of his toys too - the loungeroom was way too crowded with them all, and I think he was getting bored with a lot of them. Plus picking them all up at the end of each day is getting harder for me as the inside baby gets bigger! I'm going to try just getting a couple out each day, so there's less to tidy up and he can focus a bit more on one or two things at a time.

Baby

As most of you would already know, Adam and I are expecting our second child. And not only our second child, but our second boy! We are really looking forward to having two little men in the house, and I just feel so blessed.

Bub is due to arrive in late March, so I've got around 5 months to get ready...and to enjoy full nights sleeps!

Hamish will be 21 months old when his brother is born, and I'm basically expecting life to be quite tough for the first six months or so, if not longer - but having been through the newborn stage with Hamish I know that the hard work does pay off in the end - and that spending that time building a relationship with your child is so precious.

No TV?

As if mothers needed something else to feel guilty about - new guidelines recommend that kids under 2 don't watch any television.

I can see that it might not be optimal for their development to spend hours in front of the screen, but we don't live in a perfect world, and I reckon TV is a Godsend some days. It has a place when used wisely.

Company

During a break in the wet weather this afternoon, Hamish and I went to the local park. There was a large group of people there with their kids, and after a while I got chatting to a couple of the mums.

It was great - to get out of the house, see blue sky, and to have a conversation. It made me realise how lonely it can be at home, especially when the weather is bad, I'm sick, Hamish is sick, or for any other reason we're housebound. I spend so much time these days without any adult company, and while I absolutely love being at home with Hamish, it can get challenging when I don't get much contact with other people.

I think mums are one of the more isolated groups in our culture. Our lifestyles often position us away from family (they are rarely living in the same town, let alone the same house!), we don't know our neighbours anymore, and even when you have local social circles, illness often makes them difficult to access, and there's a difference between having the occasional playdate, and sharing the real grit of daily life with someone close.

Dads are working longer hours, and up here, commuting means that for many families, they're lucky to have dad home before the kids are in bed, and so mum handles the family load largely on her own.

Having said that, being a mum provides plenty of opportunities to get out and meet people - it's just that sometimes it's a poor substitute for the community living that I think we were designed for, and that best supports a mum at home.

There's a well known saying - it takes a village to raise a child. As my friend Jane pointed out, there's a lot of villages of one out there.

Childcare

Nicole linked to these two really thought provoking posts about assessing childcare from a biblical perspective.

I like Jean's ideas about elevating motherhood over having a career, and about the church community pitching in to help struggling mums.

Mommy?

This is an interesting rant from Pinky McKay. She writes:

I am feeling sad at seeing so many littlies propped in front of television (sure, it’s helpful to buy a few minutes to get dinner, feed the baby or have a shower but in my humble opinion it is downright neglectful to disengage from a child as he stares mindlessly at a screen for many hours of the day ).

I certainly use the TV with Hamish, but try to make sure it's not on if it doesn't need to be. Otherwise it just becomes background noise - and really, there's only so much in a day that I need to get done while Hamish is safely occupied watching the screen.

We tend to have more enjoyable days when I get on with what I need to do, and let him potter along with me from room to room. It takes patience and slows things down sometimes, but it's more fun than trying to race around, hoping his show will last long enough for me to get through my list.

Watching TV can be funny though - today he danced very enthusiastically to the Home Icecream jingle! Catchy tune that it is...

Gipsy

The idea of giving up things for one great desire reminds me of this poem, by DH Lawrence (with thanks to KM for introducing me to it years ago!):

Gipsy
I, the man with the red scarf,
Will give thee what I have, this last week's earnings.
Take them, and buy thee a silver ring
And wed me, to ease my yearnings.

For the rest, when thou art wedded
I'll wet my brow for thee
With sweat, I'll enter a house for thy sake,
Thou shalt shut doors on me.

Sacrifice

Been thinking recently about an irony of motherhood - that when God generously gives you the desire of your heart - a child - one of the effects is the seemingly inevitable sacrifice of so many other desires. Eg sleep and rest, time to relax and pursue hobbies and friendships, serving in church etc.

Unless you are a 'Super Mum' (and our culture seems to be slowly realising what a myth that is!) it's just not possible to devote as much time to personal interests as it is without young kids.

So fulfilling one desire puts the rest on hold - because looking after a bub means consistently putting someone else's needs before your own - needs that take up most of the day and sometimes, half the night!

I don't think this is a bad thing - it's just the way it is. It can be tough going, but I know that it's in the challenges that God is at work, shaping us into people who reflect His character. And we've got the ultimate example in His son, who not only gave up his personal interests for us, but his life.

Is it worth it?

I quite liked this post on the Sola Panel about the new paid maternity leave scheme.

I'm not sure that the paid scheme is really all that great - it's not much more money than the baby bonus already available, and it does seem to have at heart the idea that a mother and baby only need 14 weeks together full time before the mother can get back to the office.

It's unfortunate that our society generally works on the principal that it's normal for mothers to go back to work when they have a baby, because I think that fundamentally, babies and paid work don't mix.

There are two main reasons for this - the first is that looking after a baby, especially a young baby, is a fluid, unpredictable, round the clock commitment. A job (usually) has set hours and responsibilities that require a level of performance that's hard to sustain on broken sleep and the stresses of looking after a baby.

The second reason is that it's not all that practical to work and have your baby in day care, because they get sick really regularly! This is what happens - you have to go back to work, so your baby goes into care for a day or two a week (if not more). Here they get exposed to germs and catch everything under the sun. This means you a) don't get enough sleep as they are restless and unwell overnight, and b) you have to take time off work to look after them. Not to mention the expense of doctors and medication!

So who does this benefit exactly? Not the mother, who is stressed at home and stressed at work, trying to juggle it all. Not the baby, who is unwell more often than not. Not the employer, whose employee is missing half the time and barely awake when they are at work. Not the husband, who has a sick baby and tired wife.

At least the mortgage gets paid.

Birth Options

Soph wrote a post recently on the debate currently raging about birth options in Australia.

On the same topic, this article has some helpful facts about homebirthing. Interesting that in the Netherlands, where they have a 30% homebirth rate, the rate of caesareans is less than half that here. Calls into question the demonising of homebirth going on in some parts of our media.

Girltalk series

The Girltalk blog are doing a series on The Gospel for Busy Moms. I'll be reading with interest....

Child's Play

The Girltalk blog posted about an article by Heather Koerner this week. It struck a chord with me, particularly this:

I'm not sure when it hit me.

Maybe it was the morning I sat watching my 3-month-old daughter sleep next to me on the living room floor as I folded what seemed like the third laundry load of burp cloths that day. There was a lot about the moment that I had expected — love in my eyes, wonder in my heart. But there was also a lot I hadn't expected — a house that had once been orderly and clean that was now stacked high with piles of laundry, dirty dishes, baby paraphernalia and one exhausted, not very attractive looking mommy.

I remember thinking, This is so hard. I'm not sure I can do this.

And I remember being overwhelmingly frustrated. For crying out loud (which, I think I was at that moment), I have a graduate degree. I've taught trigonometry. I've met deadlines, edited copy and run conferences. Why in the world can't I handle one tiny baby and a 1,200 square foot house?

It's a really easy trap to fall into, and I've certainly done it - assumed managing a baby and house is child's play compared to having a career and a 'real job'. But this couldn't be further from the truth!

Postscript: Finding The Joy

I'd just like to add that since changing my approach to parenting it's been a lot easier to find the joy admidst all the hard work.

For example, Hamish woke up a few minutes ago and I had to resettle him. A few months ago I probably would have found this frustrating as he was meant to be sleeping, but tonight I noticed how cute he was - he's a bit obsessed with sitting up at the moment so sometimes when he stirs he sits up - and then gets all confused because he's not all that awake! It's very sweet.

These night wakings won't last forever, so I might as well enjoy it as much as I can - and it's lovely to give him a cuddle and resettle him (when he cooperates, at least!)

I've really enjoyed reading the series on the SortaCrunchy blog about finding the middle ground between the opposing parenting views -here's a quote:

"And then there is the other element of the sleep-training philosophy which grieves me...
The very attitude which you are encouraged to take toward your baby.

Drawing the battle lines, steeling up your offensive, and gearing up for a nightly struggle for authority. Don't give an inch or you'll never get it back. Stay strong, Mama.
It seems as though you are to view your baby as your adversary.
...
I simply cannot believe that God would desire any mother to parent out of the place of fear, or to view her baby as an adversary.

You see, I have trouble reconciling the idea of drawing the battle lines between my infant and myself with what I see as I ponder the ways in which God parents me - His child, His unique creation. I come to him with constant needs and requests, a frequent lack of ability to understand, a long and growing list of failings and areas of immaturity. And what does He do? He lavishes love and grace upon me. He pours His presence into my life in every moment that I open myself up to receive it. He is a constant source of comfort and my unshakable certainty. "

So what to do?

As you can see, I've found certain aspects of parenting really frustrating and confusing. So what to do - how do I navigate these (for me) uncharted waters and not go completely mental?

The turning point for me was when I realised that:

a) despite my hand-wringing about not being able to achieve the results the books said I should, Hamish was (and is) doing absolutely fine. He's happy, healthy, and getting enough sleep (even if I'm not!).

b) my goals were skewiff. I was busting my gut trying to meet someone else's definition of success for my family. How silly of me! But how easy to do when it's all new to you, and how awfully stressful to not be meeting these goals, and to think that your exhaustion, and your baby's cries, are your fault.

I changed my goals - instead of getting Hamish to meet certain external criteria for a successful day, my goal now is to stay calm. That's it - to do what I need to do to keep things calm for me, Adam and Hamish. It means going with the flow a lot more, and being willing to chuck it all in and ignore the rules if we're having a bad day. I've cut back my out of home commitments, say 'no' to things more, and don't feel guilty for doing what works for me. I set my own standards more, and things are going better. We still have rough days sometimes, and I don't expect that to change, but I don't beat myself up for it anymore.

I feel like God is teaching me a lot through this, but that's for another post, when I've thought about it more!